Con-Crit needed quick please: Flash Fiction

[SliceOfDog]

Ok, so I'm trying to submit a piece of Flash Fiction to a literary magazine, but I've never written one before, and there are bits I'm not fond of, so please could you guys read this and give feedback? It should only take about a minute, it's less than 500 words from start to finish. Thanks a lot.

The Evil Man

They say I’m a bad man; cruel, sadistic, heartless. They say I don’t deserve to be free, or even alive. They say this because of what I did. They say this because I have no regrets.
They tell my mother, who beat me, and my father, who left. They tell my friends, though there are few, and my ex-teachers, even fewer. They tell my step-dads. Plenty of those. They tell complete strangers, who are horrified. Then those strangers tell me. As if I hadn’t been told it before, as if it were new to me.
They tell me I’m evil.
I think about it sometimes. There isn’t much else to do here. I wonder if they’re right. Sometimes I think they must be. But I always ask myself: when? If I am evil, when did that happen? Surely I wasn’t born evil? A crying baby, without knowledge of the world, without speech or developed thought, without plans, or ideas. Was I evil then?
I was born in the inner-city. I wanted a dog, but we never got one. Other children did, but never us. We were too poor. Sometimes I got angry, and sometimes I hit them. Sometimes I saw them playing with their dog in the street. Sometimes I cried. Was I evil then?
I didn’t like school. If I found the work hard, they called me stupid. If I asked for help, they called me dumb. If I asked for “slower”, they called me difficult. So I stopped trying. They called me lazy. Was I evil then?
My friends had sex before me. I didn’t feel ready. They said that was weird, so I did it anyway. I liked it. She didn’t. Then they got me on drugs. Joints, pills, and later needles. They liked it. I didn’t. Was I evil then?
I saw her one night in a strip club. I had never seen her before, but I knew right then that I loved her. I came night after night and just watched, silent. When I saw her looking back, smiling, I asked her if she loved me too. She laughed. Was I evil then?
The next night I followed her home. She was drunk, stumbled, lost a high-heeled shoe. I took it. Later I smelt it as I touched myself, thinking of her. Was I evil then?
I went to her home. I climbed through her window. I waited for her. When she came, I grabbed her. She begged, screamed, cried. So did I. I told her to love me. She said no. She wouldn’t love me. Couldn’t love me. So I did what I had to do. And if I could, I’d do it again. Over and over until she changed her mind. Until she did love me.
I think about it sometimes. There isn’t much else to do here. I wonder if they’re right. I ask myself…
When the knife went in, was I evil?

[Daryn]

So this seems to me like a bit of character introspection. I like this approach to telling a story, but I think if you start asking "Am I Evil?" you might want to make sure that the question isn't easy to answer. As it is you can clearly spot the point where he goes wrong. You might be able to do better, and get a better reader reaction if you can keep the reader in flux and not being able to draw an easy answer.

[SliceOfDog]

So this seems to me like a bit of character introspection. I like this approach to telling a story, but I think if you start asking "Am I Evil?" you might want to make sure that the question isn't easy to answer. As it is you can clearly spot the point where he goes wrong. You might be able to do better, and get a better reader reaction if you can keep the reader in flux and not being able to draw an easy answer.

Hah, well I've clearly failed in my attempt to do just that then! I meant for it to be difficult to answer as it is :p
The point I'm trying to put across, and I don't want to sound at all like I'm complaining for you seeing differently, I'd much much rather you say this, but the point I'm trying to put across is that he isn't really 'evil' at all. He has had a shitty life, and it makes him lash out at every turn, then suffer the brunt of it. Can I ask what point you see him as "going wrong" out of interest? Is it any part other than the last paragraph?

Thanks for the comment, anyhow

[Daryn]

The next night I followed her home. She was drunk, stumbled, lost a high-heeled shoe. I took it. Later I smelt it as I touched myself, thinking of her. Was I evil then?

Right there. To me it seems like this is the point of no return. Not just a kink, that's not the issue, what I pick up on there is obsession. After that, it's downhill.

Maybe I'm overanalyzing, but that's how I see it.

[SliceOfDog]

Well that's very interesting. Nelle picked out two paragraphs earlier as the point of no return. I'd ask, though, whether he can really be considered evil if, as you say, it is "obsession. After that, it's downhill."

To me it seems like this is the point of no return.

Surely if it's an Obsession, a point of no return that is going downhill, he cannot be blamed? After all, we can agree, I think, that he didn't choose to be obsessed, and certainly lacks the support-base to get help?
Again, I don't mean to sound like I'm disagreeing. I'm happy you're bringing up these issues. But do you not think that obsession removes the possibility of 'evil'?

*Edit: And on the note of over-analysis, not at all! I welcome it! After all, I'm a freaking Drama/English Uni student. Over-analysis is my air, water and bread.

[macrorufus]

To me this read more like the average criminal's point of view. A lot of criminals don't actually see what they do as 'evil' or 'bad' in any sense of the word. Some even harbor the belief that they actually do a service.

It had that kind of feel to me. Yes he's evil to society's perspective. But, from his own thinking, he isn't, it's society and others who aren't accomodating.

[Daryn]

I think an Obsession is a choice, rather than a consequence. It's hard to explain. Now, you could probably go the complete opposite way. Rather than trying to make him seem like a victim of circumstance, why not go for a cold and calculating personality.

[Wolfgang of Borg]

Hmm this story is right up my alley (read Peter Watts' Starfish sometime, he rules at sympathetic evil). So pls forgive me for going on a bit:

I'm quite interested in the existence of evil, particularly re clinical psychopathy (not like serial killers but like the most successful/powerful business people and religious leaders). Highly manipulative liars and completely amoral, usually very charismatic, sending them for psychotherapy just teaches them more about how normal people think and thereby makes them even more dangerous. Often impulsive. One guy on LJ who i suspect is one says he often feels like his life is just passing before his eyes, that he's merely a passive observer. Hang on i'll just post the checklist:

Spoiler

20-point Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R):
Item 1 Glibness/superficial charm
Item 2 Grandiose sense of self-worth
Item 3 Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom
Item 4 Pathological lying
Item 5 Cunning/manipulative
Item 6 Lack of remorse or guilt
Item 7 Shallow affect
Item 8 Callous/lack of empathy
Item 9 Parasitic lifestyle
Item 10 Poor behavioural controls
Item 11 Promiscuous sexual behaviour
Item 12 Early behaviour problems
Item 13 Lack of realistic long-term goals
Item 14 Impulsivity
Item 15 Irresponsibility
Item 16 Failure to accept responsibility for own actions
Item 17 Many short-term marital relationships
Item 18 Juvenile delinquency
Item 19 Revocation of conditional release
Item 20 Criminal versatility

You award 0, 1, or 2 points on each item, score >30 and you've got yourself a psycho. I'd score this narrator as a 9 or 10, so no, in terms of actual real-world evil people, the protagonist isn't one, he's just twisted and very unfortunate. When he can't get what he wants he lashes out.

(Although i would just point out that the three most reliable childhood predictors of psychopathy are: sexual abuse, playing with fire (i.e. arson) and torturing animals, so if you elaborated on the incident with the dog a little it might help muddy the water.. maybe have him try to steal one of the other kid's dogs, dog gets angry and he hurts it... leave it unclear how intentional his actions were, and if he enjoyed them...)

The teenage rape bit worked, the drugs bit totally didn't imho.. it's like he thinks drugs are by their very nature inherently bad, and i've never met anyone who thinks that.. the stuff he might've had to do to get the money to pay for them, possibly. A little robbery and then arson to hide the evidence? Again, leave it unclear how deliberate / enjoyable his behaviour is.

To me the fic seems oversimplistic (tho given the length that might be unavoidable, and as i say amorality is a topic that interests me).. personally i think one of the strongest indicators of evil in non-psychos is the presence of absolute certainty, of conviction, that one is doing the Right Thing -- it's hard to commit atrocities unless you think you're improving the world -- so anyone who's constantly asking themselves if they're bad is very obviously probably not, in my book.
Unless they're a psychopath, and only pretending.
Should this guy ever be released it's doubtful he'd be a recidivist, hopefully he'd just find a nice partner with sexy feet and attend some anger management classes.

Also, the line
They tell my friends, though there are few, and my ex-teachers, even fewer.
i'd word as
They tell my friends, though they are few, and my ex-teachers, even fewer.
the first version made me stumble when i read it.

As always please take everything i say with a pinch of salt -- i've never written a story (yet... i'm trying to write one right now as it happens) and so have no idea if my comments are sensible or misguided.. they don't come from experience >:P

Edit: read it again: "They say this because I have no regrets." wtf? Even psychos feel regret if they get caught, they just never accept personal responsibility. I can't think of any mental state where someone could kill, get caught and locked up, and not feel regret.. buddism maybe? Really hardcore solipsism or nihilism? I read an Albert Camus novel about that last one once.

[Rys]

Borg, do you mean clinical <i>sociopathy</i>? That seems to be what you're referring to, but it may have been bundled into psychopathy since I last checked a definition.

[Wolfgang of Borg]

My understanding is that the two are synonyms, psycho- was the earlier term but it got taken up popularly and the meaning began to drift to cover dangerous people in general, so the term sociopath was invented as a replacement.

"... revisions of the nomenclature have been made by the American Psychiatric Association. The classification of psychopathic personality was changed to that of sociopathic personality in 1958"

[Wolfgang of Borg]

Ah, slightly later quote from the same article

Both personality disorders are the result of an interaction between genetic predispositions and environmental factors, but psychopathy leans towards the hereditary whereas sociopathy tends towards the environmental.

So yeah Slice's character would be, if anything, a sociopath. Except he's not, aside from the no regret thing (which still seems really odd coming from someone obsessively studying their own past for the point they turned evil).

I didn't realise there was such a distinction between the two terms, thanks for pointing that out Rys.

[SliceOfDog]

Hah, it's interesting that you would reference that list, Borg. I only came across it for the first time about a week ago.

Also, the line
They tell my friends, though there are few, and my ex-teachers, even fewer.
i'd word as
They tell my friends, though they are few, and my ex-teachers, even fewer.
the first version made me stumble when i read it.

I completely agree. Noted, and if I ever go back to it I'll change it.

hopefully he'd just find a nice partner with sexy feet and attend some anger management classes.

That comment may have made my day XD
Thank you!

read it again: "They say this because I have no regrets." wtf? Even psychos feel regret if they get caught, they just never accept personal responsibility. I can't think of any mental state where someone could kill, get caught and locked up, and not feel regret

True about psychos, but often what they regret is being caught, not killing. When I wrote that, I imagined him to be in some state of denial. He also doesn't fully comprehend 'love'. To him, the object of his desire should have chosen to love him. Obviously we know that can't happen, but to him that is exactly how love works. The idea that she simply doesn't return his feelings doesn't really register with him. As such if he were asked "If you could go back would you do anything differently?", his reply would probably be "It depends if she would".
That said, I wrote it all vaguely stream-of-consciousness. The initial couple lines barely changed from the first time I put pen to paper, and I hadn't actually planned the ending at that point. His character of course developed over the rest of the story, so if I went back and rewrote it I probably would reword it.
However, plenty of people claim to have no regrets after killing, getting caught and put away. It's often people who have given up on society. A lot of young gang members just assume they'll be dead by the age of about 25, and it seems to register no emotional response from them.

[Wolfgang of Borg]

Hah, it's interesting that you would reference that list, Borg. I only came across it for the first time about a week ago.

Zeitgeist.

> what they regret is being caught, not killing

Right, i did mean to imply that.

> He also doesn't fully comprehend 'love'.

This is why i linked to Starfish, tho i realise that wasn't exactly a helpful explanation. There's a character in it, Gary Fischer, who's exactly the same.. not actually evil but his understanding of love is just so utterly demented that it's impossible to tell. Because of the way he gets bullied later on i found myself almost identifying with him which was extremely unsettling given he's a pedo.

> The idea that she simply doesn't return his feelings doesn't really register with him.

But he must understand on some level, or else why'd he kill her? Stalkers always believe the object of their affection is just temporarily rejecting them, and will come around eventually, so long as they keep demonstrating *how much* they care... getting stabby suggests he realises he never stands a chance.
Hence me suggesting you could establish a precedent of his attacking things he wants but can't have with the childhood dog incident.

> wrote it all vaguely stream-of-consciousness

Oh, i see,.. god, i almost always hate those, suspect you have to be really high level to pull it off. No offense. They also seem to work best with complex events but simple characters, prob not what you want for a character piece.

> put pen to paper

Do you write in longhand? Wow. I read Neil Gaiman does that too sometimes (with a fountain pen no less), thought he must be mental. (My handwriting looks like a drunk five year old's, soon as i learned to touch-type i was like "well, that was several hundred hours of my childhood wasted then")

> plenty of people claim to have no regrets after killing, getting caught and put away

I think at least a little of that's down to good old self-delusion. They can't admit what a terrible mistake they've made, even to themselves.

[SliceOfDog]

But he must understand on some level, or else why'd he kill her? Stalkers always believe the object of their affection is just temporarily rejecting them, and will come around eventually, so long as they keep demonstrating *how much* they care... getting stabby suggests he realises he never stands a chance.
Hence me suggesting you could establish a precedent of his attacking things he wants but can't have with the childhood dog incident.

You're right, of course. The project is pretty much dead now, I wrote it, edited it and sent it off to a journal in about 2 days to meet the deadline (it got rejected, no surprise) and I can't really see myself coming back to it, but the 'no regrets' is something that sounded fitting more than actually working with the rest of the piece.

> wrote it all vaguely stream-of-consciousness

Oh, i see,.. god, i almost always hate those, suspect you have to be really high level to pull it off. No offense.

None taken, I don't tend to like it either, and don't think it's my style. It's just that sometimes I'm more in the mood for it. That said, I have seen it done pretty damn well sometimes, although it tends to be when portraying insane characters in integrated with traditional narration.

Do you write in longhand? Wow. I read Neil Gaiman does that too sometimes (with a fountain pen no less), thought he must be mental. (My handwriting looks like a drunk five year old's, soon as i learned to touch-type i was like "well, that was several hundred hours of my childhood wasted then")

Hah, that made me laugh
Yes, I much prefer writing longhand. I have about 10 different notebooks for my various projects (just before starting the laptop up now I spent about half an hour writing several pages for a performance script, and last night I spent a while writing my short story in a separate notebook. It's got to the point where I have to write on the first page what all of them contain, because it's all just bits and pieces from dozens of different projects. Grabbing the one closest to me, for example, it says: "Mostly blank. Junkers, Continent - Shar/Lucy/Corporate Messenger". The next nearest is almost full, so too much scrawled on the front to list, but I have made special note of "List of projects inc. Perfect Englishman".
For whatever reason, I find it much easier to write fiction on paper than on a computer. Something about staring at a screen dampens my creative buzz. Possibly it's that I attribute it with pleasure, and can get distracted with a single click. Paper, however, always represents creativity, whether writing or drawing or whatever. For years I never tend to go anywhere for long without at least a couple notebooks. I even took some to Download Festival for the weekend.

[Wolfgang of Borg]

>I have seen it done pretty damn well sometimes

Not saying it's never good, there are some instances that i loved (mostly (tragi-) comedy, with multiple narrators / PoV characters), just that in general i dislike it.

Interesting point re notebooks and creativity. I tend to think of typing as being higher bandwidth, because i type faster than i can handwrite, but for our brains it's prob the opposite way round: using computers must be massively less stimulating than working with paper, where there's all that touch, smell, spatial positioning, actual tangible physicality. (The lattermost is especially important when it comes to reasoning apparently, i saw this fascinating thing recently about how ppl actually learn and it seems that ultimately most thought could come down to physical metaphor. C.f. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embodied_cognition ).